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Aging on my terms - Daily musings in 500 words or so

Life Changes – Part Two

May 15, 1980 was a bright sunny Thursday in Bend. We had just returned from Lake Tahoe earlier that week and were still smiling and talking about the fun time we’d had as we both got ready for work.

Jeffrey and I decided to meet back at home to have lunch together, and as lunchtime rolled around I raced home. I made sandwiches and as I was coming around the corner from the kitchen with my plate and soda in hand, the phone rang.

I put my 7up down and answered the call with my free hand. The voice on the other end was barely recognizable. I stood there listening to the words that were coming through the telephone line and holding the plate with my sandwich on it, not being able to comprehend what I was hearing.

As the words began to sink in, I began to sink. My plate dropped as I slid to the floor, unable to speak. Jeffrey ran to the phone and took it from my hand. He said something and words were exchanged, but I honestly don’t remember.

What I do remember is him helping me to the car and getting in and putting my seat belt on. I sat there motionless as he drove me to Madras where my brother lived.

The next thing I recall, I was at a funeral home speaking to a man about my brother. He kept telling me my brother was dead and I kept telling him he wasn’t. This is not something that was possible. It would be like saying the sky is falling, it just doesn’t happen.

Finally, he realized the only way to prove it to me was to show me. He led me to a room, where Johnny was lying on a table. I touched his cold face and knew the truth of it all. I can’t put into words the feeling that washed over me. I can’t even tell you how I got through the next few days.

Our father left all of the funeral arrangements in my hands. I had to sit in a chair at a desk with a man asking me questions like, what kind of casket did I want and do I want my brother cremated. These were questions no 21 year old should have to answer, but I did, somehow.

We held a funeral for him and all of our relatives that could make it, came. I sat in the front row during the funeral, tears running down my face. I didn’t have the ability to wipe them away. I just sat there crying. At one point I looked down and the entire front of my handmade dress was wet with tears.

Never in my life had I felt such profound sadness, and I didn’t think I would ever feel better or get over it.

I went through my days in a daze, not feeling anything or having any emotions. I was afraid if I started feeling, I would never be able to crawl back out of the despair. So I kept myself in check.

And then a few days later, Jeffrey asked me to marry him.

 

9 Comments

  1. I don’t like this one…

    You know why.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-08-24 at 09:26

      It is so difficult to express all of this in so few words…

  2. I don’t comment on every one of your blogs, but once again it amazes me how parallel some of our experiences were! I also had to plan funerals at a young age-my mother’s at 17, my Uncle’s at 22 and my grandma’s at 27. There is nothing worse than having to feel like your love is reflected in how expensive of a casket a child/young adult can afford. Obviously, coming from a poor family, the first two were the ugly, gray, flannel like government assisted caskets because we couldn’t even afford the upgrade to the shiny silver one, despite the pressure from the funeral directors. So sorry you had to go through funeral planning at a time in our lives when we should have been carefree, as well.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-08-25 at 12:13

      Wow, Mary you said it! My brother always wanted to be cremated and I knew it. Still the funeral director tried to sell me the top of the line casket. What a weird profession that must be.

      Thanks as always for sharing. It helps me to see that I am not alone in these experiences.

  3. Wow…i wasnt even aware you were writing a blog….you express yourself wonderfully….thank you for sharing. Love you 💘

  4. Wow…i wasn’t aware that you were writing a blog. You express yourself wonderfully. I love reading stories about my family both good and sad… Thank you for sharing. Love you.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-08-25 at 12:16

      Thank you Eva. Yes, I started this blog in July. You might enjoy going back to the beginning and looking for more stories. Love you too girl.

  5. Linda Sayers Penna

    2017-08-25 at 12:13

    Such a sad day for us all. I loved Johnny and miss him so very much. He is forever in my heart and never forgotten. RIP Johnny.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-08-25 at 12:17

      Thank you Linda for reading and for your comment. He is so missed.

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