I had a disturbing day yesterday, full of drama.
Being a part of an online community, all kinds of crazy things can happen. Most of them good, but every now and then, some “not so good” drama happens. Yesterday was one of those times.
As I said the other day, I started my own group to help bring other “over 50 year olds” together so we can get to know each other and grow our Instagram accounts. It took off immediately and I was overwhelmed with requests and questions.
I’ll admit I loved every minute of it. I’m okay with questions and helping and trying to figure out this crazy social media world. What I wasn’t prepared for was someone who didn’t like the way I was running things.
From day one, she was upset and no matter what I, or other members tried she was unhappy. I found myself spending hours everyday trying to fix it for her, only to have the same issue the next day.
She finally got so irritated with me; she insulted me…publicly…on my group page. This was after eight days of banging my head against the wall. So I removed her from my group.
Little did I know that would only make things worse.
How we react to others, and to situations, is a direct reflection of ourselves. I must have triggered some fight response in her, and she sparked a response in me as well. So I spent the day trying to figure out what she triggered in me.
When I talked to John about it, he asked what I thought it was. My first response was: “I’m not good enough”. So here I sit at my computer, writing it out to see what’s revealed.
“I’m not good enough.”
What does that statement mean? My best guess is, coming from a poor family, I heard that more often than I care to remember.
“Get out of my store with your dirty feet, I know you don’t have any money”. That was shouted at me a few times while I was trying to go into the “Five and Dime” as a kid. We were also the family that received the donation baskets at Christmas time, instead of the ones giving.
But that’s not really a big deal, right? There has to be more to this.
I don’t remember any of my grade school teachers…not one. So they probably didn’t have much of an impact on me.
I do remember my kindergarten teacher though. Not her name, just that she spanked me and put me in time out in the tiny mudroom we hung our coats up in. Man did that make my Mom mad! She could spank me, but by golly no one else better.
Thinking back, I can recall other times I didn’t feel good enough. I felt like this in my first marriage. Probably why even after 18 years, it couldn’t last.
I feel this way with other people too. Like somehow, I don’t measure up to their expectations of me. I’m not sure why I even care.
I just know I do.
This person continued to gaslight me in other groups and I let it get to me more than I care to admit. I can’t change how she responds to me, only how I respond to her and the situation.
I also can’t take responsibility for how she handles her triggers….but that’s a ‘whole-nother’ thing I’m working on.