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Aging on my terms - Daily musings in 500 words or so

Failure is not an option

I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life, and I can honestly say I believe I can do anything I put my mind to. John says I throw myself 100% into whatever I’m doing, and I have to agree with him.

But the best job I ever had is being a Mom. It is the most rewarding, and also the most challenging. When my first child was born, I thought I was going to take a few weeks off, and then go back to work.

But one night, when he was just a couple days old, as I was holding him and rocking him back to sleep I looked down at my beautiful little child. I knew in my heart there would be no way I could leave him and go back to my job.

Holding my first born when I was a young mother

This was my job now. I was 24 and my life changed forever in that moment.

My sons are grown men now, and I’m deeply proud of both of them. We are very close and have shared so much joy and laughter together.

But I am now going through a new phase as a mother I thought I never would. That beautiful baby I held when I was 24 is now enduring his biggest challenge.

I have always been the person who will do what it takes to find the answer and make things better. But, I can’t seem to do that this time. For the last year I have watched him struggle daily with non-stop pain, and I can’t fix it.

I can’t give him a baby aspirin or put a cool compress on his forehead. I can’t hold him and tell him everything will be okay. All I can do is be here for him and watch him cope with pain and uncertainty. And that makes me feel like I am failing at my job.

What do you do as a parent, when you can’t fix it for your child? Every day I keep searching for the answer. I look at the entire situation and search the Internet and think of it as a puzzle that just needs one more piece so I can see what to do. There has to be an answer.

When he was just under a year old, he had a grand mal seizure in my lap. I watched my baby turn blue as he shook and stiffened. I remember thinking there was no way in hell I was going to let him go.

Nothing has changed. There is no way in hell I am going to let my son go through this alone. I have you son. I’m here for you.

Failure is not an option.

A crack does not constitute failure

11 Comments

  1. I hear ya. My son is going rhrough a smaller aomething right now. It is so important to put ourseves as mamas right there with our boys. Our presence is the best medicine for healing.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-09-10 at 12:35

      Thank you. I am sorry you and your son are going through this also. It just plain sucks. I like what you say…we are the best medicine.

  2. I wish you and your family all the very best. As a mum to two sons myself, I pray I never have to cope with what you are, and all I can do is wish you health and healing xxx

  3. This was one story that I wish I didn’t relate to. This year has also been a trial for me and my two sons. One was diagnosed with Hemochromatosis and the other went totally and permanently deaf in one ear. Trying not to panic is nothing new to me, as I worried with every sickness they had as children. I thought once they were adults, the feeling of helplessness would somehow miraculously disappear. I guess I got a dose of reality -as long as I am a mother, I will always love enough to want to fix whatever is broken. I wish I had some advice for you but I guess we will just have to be there for them if they need us. I will pray for you and your son.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-09-10 at 18:04

      Thank you Mary. And, I am so sorry you can relate. It is so hard, isn’t it? I thought the same…when my kids made it to adults, I thought all would be well. Argh!! Thank you for sharing your story too. I hate that you and your boys are going through this.

  4. It’s hard to watch your children go through tough times. Sometimes you can only hold their hands.

  5. Sending prayers for you and your son.
    🙂 gwingal

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