Loretta's Countdown to 60

Aging on my terms - Daily musings in 500 words or so

I will…

The other day I was desperately looking for a specific photo I wanted for one of my blog posts. If you’ve been following along, you know I use my own photos for my posts.

It was written and ready to publish, but I was determined to find that one photo, so I kept digging. I was pretty sure it was on an old hard drive of mine, so I plugged it into my laptop and poked around.

I didn’t find it there, but I did find something else.

It is something I wrote years ago, when I was trying to sort out some emotions I was going through. Wait, let me stop right here and find my courage.

Deep breath in.

Ok, what I meant to say was, I found a “poem” that I wrote a few years back. I wrote this poem to help me sort out some emotions I was experiencing with my partner. There were times when we would be cuddling, or “spooning”, and something would happen that would make me jump and want to run.

I couldn’t tell him what it was, but I could write it down. So I did.

I shared it with him and we talked about it. From that moment on, things changed. I no longer felt the desire to jump and run and knew I was in a safe place with him.

Later on I wrote about my experience with sexual abuse in a post Maybe I’m my own Hero. It was a difficult decision to share my personal experience, but I’m glad I did. I know it has helped others.

However, this poem is more than personal; it’s private. I thought about not sharing it, not letting it out, but I know I need to.

I need to do this for all of the hurt people out there who cannot share their pain, who have not found their voice.

 

Goodnight

Laying there, in the dark, quiet, alone, hoping to remain alone.

A voice whispers in my ear “shh, be quiet little girl, just relax honey”.

Heavy breathing in my ear.

How do I get away? I can see the moon light coming thru the small window…go there.

A voice whispers in my ear “now don’t you tell anyone, this is our secret”

Heavy breathing in my ear.

I sit in the corner, my knees up to my chin, my head down, refusing to watch them. Just sit here until he goes away. It will be ok. Don’t let the pain come in.

Don’t listen to the heavy breathing…..in my ear. Think of something else.

This is not you. This is not a part of you. Go away….forever.

Lying there, he’s behind me, touching me, hurting me. A voice whispers in my ear “Goodnight. Grandpa loves you, my little girl”

 

Finding this and reading it brought me to my knees. I cried for that little girl, and I will always cry for her.

But what hurts even more, is knowing there will be another little person out there who will cry.

As you read this, please don’t feel sorry for me and please don’t say, “I’m sorry”. All that I ask of you is to say, “I will”

I will…

I will watch over my children.

 I will listen to them.

 I will believe them.

 I will give them a safe place to tell.

I will stand by them.

 I will believe them even if they tell me it happened 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago…

I will let them cry and hold them up.

I will give them a place to have a voice.

I will l tell them, it wasn’t their fault.

I will love them.

I will…

 

I will protect you.

Please don't say, "I'm sorry", instead say "I will..."

16 Comments

  1. I promise I WILL protect my child 🙏🏼

  2. Wow! So powerful. Thank you for sharing. My heart aches for that little girl, and all the little girls suffering from these unspeakable acts.
    #metoo
    Much love my friend.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2018-02-08 at 10:37

      Thank you Cindy…I am so looking forward to meeting you and seeing your beautiful smile in person.

  3. I will always. Thank you for sharing.

  4. I Will protect my kids even if they are adults now but the next generation will arrive one day and I will!!!

  5. Loretta,

    What a powerful story you have shared today!
    I will tell you how sorry I am to read this and to know the abuse was caused by your grandfather.
    You have a lot of courage to share this openly and I pray that your voice begins a new dialogue between mothers and grandmothers with children.
    We should all make a promise that we will the safe arms children can run to when the world turns ugly and they are told to keep quiet.

    Hugs,
    Robin

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2018-02-08 at 14:52

      Thank you Robin, that is my hope as well.

      Thank you for reading, your kind words and your hugs.

  6. Kathryn Aebig

    2018-02-08 at 14:36

    I will. Dear strong woman…..I will!!

  7. I was just over your FB to “like” 🙂 but I have to click through to read because I’m sickened by child sex abuse! How can someone do that to a child is beyond me! Thank you for sharing your story! That took lots of courage! This shouldn’t happen to any kids!! ever! I have 2 kids of my own and I WILL!!!!

  8. Oh, sweet angel. I wish I could write ‘I will’ but I was a mama who didn’t hear my daughter when she cried out. I didn’t understand what she was trying to say. Partly, probably, because I didn’t want to understand. But she was so young and the words she was using didn’t make sense. And she only tried once to tell me. Until she was much older, and the abuse had stopped and she finally felt safe. I feel like such a failure. I didn’t hear. It happened when I wasn’t there to see. I failed my baby.

    But I will do better if ever my granddaughters, heaven forbid, ever try to tell me something similar. I will.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2018-02-10 at 09:23

      Oh Leslie, that made me cry. I’m so sorry. I’m trying to find the words ….

      You did the best you could. Not understanding is a far cry from not listening. And, how do we begin to comprehend that someone we know could possibly hurt our child??

      You didn’t fail her, if you are there for her now.

      This post is from my view, when I was hurt as a child. Thank you for sharing your view, as a parent who’s child was hurt. My heart aches as much for you as for your daughter. I know you love her dearly and would NEVER want her to hurt. I hope she is/has healed from it, and I bet she knows she can cry on your shoulder whenever she needs to.

      Thank you so much for sharing this. Much love and healing to you dear one.
      Loretta

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