The other day I was desperately looking for a specific photo I wanted for one of my blog posts. If you’ve been following along, you know I use my own photos for my posts.
It was written and ready to publish, but I was determined to find that one photo, so I kept digging. I was pretty sure it was on an old hard drive of mine, so I plugged it into my laptop and poked around.
I didn’t find it there, but I did find something else.
It is something I wrote years ago, when I was trying to sort out some emotions I was going through. Wait, let me stop right here and find my courage.
Deep breath in.
Ok, what I meant to say was, I found a “poem” that I wrote a few years back. I wrote this poem to help me sort out some emotions I was experiencing with my partner. There were times when we would be cuddling, or “spooning”, and something would happen that would make me jump and want to run.
I couldn’t tell him what it was, but I could write it down. So I did.
I shared it with him and we talked about it. From that moment on, things changed. I no longer felt the desire to jump and run and knew I was in a safe place with him.
Later on I wrote about my experience with sexual abuse in a post Maybe I’m my own Hero. It was a difficult decision to share my personal experience, but I’m glad I did. I know it has helped others.
However, this poem is more than personal; it’s private. I thought about not sharing it, not letting it out, but I know I need to.
I need to do this for all of the hurt people out there who cannot share their pain, who have not found their voice.
Laying there, in the dark, quiet, alone, hoping to remain alone.
A voice whispers in my ear “shh, be quiet little girl, just relax honey”.
Heavy breathing in my ear.
How do I get away? I can see the moon light coming thru the small window…go there.
A voice whispers in my ear “now don’t you tell anyone, this is our secret”
Heavy breathing in my ear.
I sit in the corner, my knees up to my chin, my head down, refusing to watch them. Just sit here until he goes away. It will be ok. Don’t let the pain come in.
Don’t listen to the heavy breathing…..in my ear. Think of something else.
This is not you. This is not a part of you. Go away….forever.
Lying there, he’s behind me, touching me, hurting me. A voice whispers in my ear “Goodnight. Grandpa loves you, my little girl”
Finding this and reading it brought me to my knees. I cried for that little girl, and I will always cry for her.
But what hurts even more, is knowing there will be another little person out there who will cry.
As you read this, please don’t feel sorry for me and please don’t say, “I’m sorry”. All that I ask of you is to say, “I will”
I will watch over my children.
I will listen to them.
I will believe them.
I will give them a safe place to tell.
I will stand by them.
I will believe them even if they tell me it happened 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 40 years ago…
I will let them cry and hold them up.
I will give them a place to have a voice.
I will l tell them, it wasn’t their fault.
I will love them.
I will protect you.