I want to share more of my story, and know most everyone who is close to me already knows all of this. But I also know there are way more people who don’t.
So I’m going to continue sharing.
I left off in January of 2012, with John deciding he still wanted to date around, and me wondering what the hell just happened.
Over the next month our relationship became more and more strained. I knew John was dating other women and I had no idea if he would ever let go of that pattern of casual dating and see what we had.
He was messaging me daily and we still did a lot of things together. But it wasn’t the same.
We planned to meet up for coffee on Valentine’s Day, but the day before while chatting on the phone I asked a question that was on my mind most days.
I asked, “Do you see us getting into a relationship?” He simply said, “No”. So then I asked, “Do you EVER see us getting into a relationship?” His response sank me. “No, Loretta, I don’t ever see us getting into a relationship.” Continue reading
I was looking back at old posts I’ve written and came across this one. It made me cry!
Wow, have I come a long way. I don’t feel anything like this now and I’m so happy that I “kicked out the old tenant”.
I wrote this in August of 2017. Since then I’ve lost 20 pounds but more importantly, learned so much about myself. This blog is exactly what I needed. (Thank you for supporting me with it, John).
Me and John Oct. 2018
This last Saturday I was lucky enough to be one of about 60 women led in meditation by Davidji. Have you heard of him?
Years ago when I started meditating I would listen to Deepak Chopra tapes to help me. Well, Davidji was Deepak’s lead educator and dean of his university for 10 years.
He is also the creator of the 21-day meditation process that Oprah swears by.
So, yeah, he’s a big deal.
When I signed up to help coordinate the FierceCon event, I had no idea exactly what I had gotten myself into. Or how all consuming it would be in the end.
But I’m so glad I did.
When Catherine Grace O’Connell approached me with her plan for a weekend dedicated to bringing women together, I was intrigued. I’ve enjoyed meeting many of my online friends, and definitely wanted to get the chance to meet more.
But I also knew I’d be volunteering a lot of time and energy.
This last weekend I helped coordinate a big event in Redondo Beach. It’s called FierceCon. The founder of The Forever Fierce Revolution, Catherine Grace O’Connell wanted to create an event to bring together women from her community.
From all over the world.
I wanted to write about my experience there, but when Linda Williams shared her experience with the group, I was moved beyond measure. I believe her words speak the truths of many of us there. Continue reading
We got back from our four days of working on John’s home on a Sunday night in January 2012. I didn’t see John the next day, but we got together on Tuesday for coffee and to go over the applications for tenants.
We were sitting side by side at the Starbucks we’d first met at and John had applications spread out on the table. His phone was there too.
Within just a few minutes his phone lite up with a text message. From Toni.
The other day I wrote a reminder to myself (and other women) to put our oxygen masks on before assisting others. I got a lot of comments in the vein of: “I so need to remember this.” Or “Thank you for the reminder.”
Here we are, in midlife or later and we are still habitually putting the needs of others before our own. Well, at least some of the time, anyway.
It got me thinking about our roles as women and how we were raised to put others’ needs, especially men and our children, above our own. I see it all the time, and get a bit frustrated by it.
We not only do it to ourselves, but to other women as well.
Let’s see….where did I leave off?
Oh yeah, with John running off. Can you believe after months of a friendship and then just one night together he ran?
I actually could. Predicted it even.
The good news: I knew John well enough at that point and suspected it would take a lot of patience if we were ever going to be anything more than friends.
The bad news: I was irritated by his behavior just the same. There was no reason to not meet for coffee or join me in a tennis game or go hiking. Something! But, nope, he wouldn’t meet up with me.
So I got busy with my own life.
It’s Wednesday check in and I want to share that I am doing the happy dance!
I’ve been slowly and steadily losing weight and I’m finally at a place where I feel so much better. And it shows-inside and out. A few good wins added together can really make a difference in my attitude, which then spurs me on to continue. Continue reading
Have you ever felt good about yourself and happy with your body, and then see yourself in a dressing room mirror and immediately frown?
I wrote last week that after my Mom’s death at the age of 48, I’d vowed to stay healthy and fit. And for most of my life, I’ve done just that. But somewhere around age 56, that started to change for me.
Since then, it’s been more of a struggle to lose weight and keep it off.
I’ve wanted to blame menopause or that I’m married and eat what (and as much as) my husband does. Hell, I’ve even tried to (jokingly) blame my best friend. But it’s all me. Continue reading
Tomorrow is a big day for me.
I don’t mean in the sense that something exciting is happening, or I’ve got a bunch of big plans. More in the way of it’s a calendar date that I never forget and always reflect on.
It was August 3, 1970 when the world changed for me. And for the last 48 years, it’s August 3rd that I still feel the pain of that day and our loss.
I know there are a whole lot of you reading this now, that know exactly how I feel. Losing a parent, especially when you are a child, is something you never fully “get over”. Continue reading
One year ago I decided to let it all hang out, literally and figuratively.
In my first blog post I decided to “expose the truth” and get real. We live in this fast paced social media world filled with false beauty and unrealistic expectations, and I wanted to challenge that.
One year ago
I am a task-oriented person.
If a job needs to be done, I identify it, find a solution, and then go about getting it done.
It was easy to fix all of the things around me after Judd left. One by one, I got my life back and found peace in my little cottage by myself in Napa.
And as hard as it was, being by myself was exactly what I needed.
Working from home with no one else around, and living in an area where I had no family or friends created the perfect arena for some major reflection. But that’s not how I saw it at first.
I wasn’t just lonely – I was alone.
Learning how to push-off…
Our little cottage in Napa was so nice, nestled on a hill, covered in trees. But because of its location, I had terrible cell service at home. So during that summer when I was dealing with Judd’s bizarre behavior, I’d take my phone and go for walks.
I would call my best friend and talk things over with her and find support and encouragement from her. And then I’d just walk for miles and miles, thinking.
I’ve always loved to hike and there have been many times in my life that walking was the only thing that kept me going. This was one of those times. My youngest son was training for a marathon and encouraged me to try running.
I laughed and said I never saw myself as a runner.
Santa Barbara has a local Farmer’s Market every Tuesday and Saturday, year-round. How lucky am I to live where I can shop for local, organic, fresh produce?
Tuesday Farmer’s Market
Only I haven’t been doing it.
My birthday is a big deal to me.
I know birthdays are not a big deal for everyone, but for me, they’re important. Maybe it’s because I was born on Mother’s Day 1959 and I’ve shared my birthday with that holiday many times since.
Or maybe it’s because I only remember having ONE birthday party when I was a kid. And I’m pretty sure that was the time my brother stood on the fence and pee’d in front of everyone, effectively ruining my birthday.
He thought it was funny.
How do you see yourself? Does it match what you see in the mirror or in photos?
Growing up in the ‘60s and ‘70s on the heels of the Twiggy movement, thin defined beauty. Growing into my body as a teenager and coming of age, I was super thin. And that image has stayed with me, even when the person staring back at me in the mirror has changed. Continue reading
I meant to get on today and talk about the Mediterranean Diet and how important it is to heart health.
Only the lady staring back at me in the camera was way too distracting!
Remember when I said I was fine dying my hair, thank you very much, and I didn’t have beautiful silver hair? Well, I’ve decided to embrace my gray, even if it is not silver.
Today, my hairdresser put in highlights where my gray is to help me transition to my natural color. And…she cut off at least 6″ of length too. Continue reading