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Aging on my terms - Daily musings in 500 words or so

Vulnerable Rebel?

How I see myself, and what’s reality can be quite different most times. Take riding my scooter, for instance. I can see myself on my pretty blue Vespa, sundress and sandals on with a baguette poking out from under a basket on the back.

But I’m a bit of a rule follower. I like to think of myself as a rule following rebel. I have a tattoo, but not too many people will see it. I have a Vespa, but I wear protective gear. Every time.

I thought about writing a post about giving oneself permission to be safe instead of cool. Or maybe saying safe is cool. So, yesterday I asked John to take some photos of me with my scooter showing my top of the line, super safe helmet, my full armored jacket, boots and jeans on, and gloves near by.

It was fun and we got a couple of good shots. I was able to find one I thought was cool and I posted it.

When I look at that picture, I feel good about myself. I look a little bit like a rebel too.

In reality, I was feeling fat and hyper sensitive about many of my features. My face looks funny, I’m squinting, my belly looks fat, my jeans are showing my fat….blah, blah, blah.

So today I feel a little guilty about posting that photo. It was the old me saying, “look how cool I am!” which translates to “please like me”. I didn’t do what I set out to do as much as go right back to that old mantra.

What I want to do is learn how to be happy with me, by exposing my insecurities to anyone who cares to listen (are you listening, Loretta??). And maybe help anyone else who feels like I do.

So I’ll keep working on it.

6 Comments

  1. Great observation, and one we often miss…

  2. Who cares if you want to look cool – we all do at some point. And now it probably seems like I am stalking you as I read all of your posts…

    PS: It may not come as a surprise that I, too, have a Vespa! I’m not licensed yet, I’ve been procrastinating AKA chickenshit.

    • Loretta Sayers
      Loretta Sayers

      2017-09-27 at 12:20

      Ha! I just found this comment in my spam folder. I love that you have read my posts! Thank you. And thank you for saying “who cares” …you are right.
      I love that you have a Vespa too….so much fun!! (psst…I let my license expire but I still ride 😉 )

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